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Expeditions through Chronology and Cosmology (The Mighty Boosh, Howard/Vince)

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Title: Expeditions through Chronology and Cosmology
Author: straydog733
Fandom: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Table/Theme: Table One
Rating: G to PG-13
Word Count: 1,615
Warnings: Slash, spoilers through season 3
Disclaimer: I do not own the Boosh, I just like writing about the guys


01. Melts in the mouth

“Oh, that is disgusting, can’t I just have a piece normally?”

“Nope, you share or you don’t get any.”

Howard usually would not be lowered to this. But the chocolate did look very good. He leaned forward and pulled the piece out of Vince’s teeth, feeling the little bastard smile around the kiss.

02. Breaking bread

It had seemed like a simple treat, some nice little cakes left out on the counter. Vince hadn’t meant to eat quite so many, they just tasted so good.

“Okay, Naboo, how do we help him?”

“Well, judging by the look in his eyes and the tone of the screaming, we probably look like giant shrimp demons come to steal his pancreas. He’ll be fine, just step around him for a few hours.”

03. Pin Drop

He had meant it as an innocent question. There was a hair pin on the ground by the pile of sparkly boots; it made sense that it might have been his. But the glare Howard received was powered by the full size of Vince’s eyes.

“I do not need pins. This hair is nothing but spray, root boost and talent.”

04. Measure of a man

“Those pants were shoddily made.”

“Seemed pretty strong to me.”

“No, they had absolutely no structural integrity.”

“But the stitching looks fine here, see…maybe you were too big for them?”

“…Shut your anorexic tart face.”

05. Death and Taxes

They had a perfectly valid excuse. It hadn’t been them that had messed up the shop’s accounts and bills. The Tax Tarantulas had crept into the file cabinets and tied all of the papers together, mixing up the different forms and putting red webs over everything. It had been horrible, really, they had barely gotten out alive. And whether or not Naboo was willing to listen, that was their story and they were sticking to it.

06. Pushing forty

His hair had lost some of its luster over the years. His jumpsuits were not quite as flattering as before. He was still as child-like and free-spirited as ever, but he heard people more and more often saying that he should be mature by now. But no matter how old he got, he would always have one source of solace.

He would never be as old as Howard.

07. Two-Part Harmony

They had each sung with other people before, throwing out some mad shapes and making some great music; but crimping was purely their thing, something that came from their heads and hearts, perfectly synced together. Words flowed out hot and fast, almost detached from meaning in the pursuit of distilled rhythm and power. Nonsensical: sometimes. Insane: almost certainly. But it made sense to them, on a deeper level, and that was all that mattered.

08. Almost Too Late

There had been so many close calls over the years. The Black Frost, Monkey Hell, the Yetis, that incident with the potatoes. They both came to trust that the other would always be there to get them out at the last moment. Or else to be there alongside them, ready to reminisce as they went to their dooms.

“Remember the time with the kites?”

09. Total Eclipse

“What are you doing up here?”

“Just talking to the moon.”


“Yeah, he’s getting ready for the eclipse tomorrow, and he needed a bit of a pep talk.”

“Oooookay, when you’re done being crazy, the kettle’s on inside.”

10. Morning Dip

The first time Howard saw Vince bare, he was taking a swim in the lake by the cabin they were staying in. Howard turned bright red the moment he saw what was going on, then tried to back up as quietly as he could; not quietly enough, evidently.

“Hey, Howard, come on in!”

He mumbled out an excuse and fled as quickly as he could. Explorer’s jumpsuits, while good for many things, were not ideal at hiding a stiffy.

11. Police, freeze!

“Officers, I can explain! My friend here, he’s not quite right, and he gets into trouble sometimes, but he doesn’t mean anything by it. He honestly thought that the woman’s dog would look better with rhinestones and she just got a little nervous about the glue gun, that’s all. It was a complete misunderstanding. So if you could kindly stop taseing him, I would greatly appreciate it.”

12. Paperweight

As far as paperweights went, it was all wrong. The colors were too bright and distracting, the balance was all off, and it did not fit the tone of Stationary Village at all. A thoroughly inappropriate paperweight.

But still, Howard was flattered to receive it, a handmade gift from Vince. It went on top of his daily shop status reports, and it did bring a certain flair to the pile.

13. White room/yellow hand print

“You haven’t got any proof!”

“Show me your hands, then.”

“…I can’t, they were…stolen by rabbits.”

“Were they now? Did the rabbits have a thing for yellow paint?”

14. Stay with me

There were so many pretty girls at the club, so many girls (and guys) who were giving him the eye. And here he was, sitting at the bar with Howard, who seemed determined to have absolutely no fun tonight.

Most nights, he would have just left him. But Howard had given him a certain look, a pleading, vulnerable look peering out of beady little eyes, that just begged “Stay with me”. So he stayed….with the mopey bastard.

15. Walking Tall

“Those boots are ridiculous.”

“I think they’re great, they compliment my whole look.”

“They’re garish, and you’re going to break an ankle; you need practical, sturdy shoes, like mine.”

“You just don’t like ‘em because they make me taller than you.”

“…And they’re tacky, too.”

16. Crazy like a fox

Despite all the times that Vince can be a dick, he’s also fairly big-hearted. How many men would have pity on a monstrous needle-fingered fox? Howard’s still pissed at him about the whole situation, of course. But it’s the touches of stupid, often misplaced kindness that keep reminding him why he puts up with the little guy. And honestly, it was a pretty nice cape.

17. Years of erosion

“It’s not that you’re looking old, really, just kinda worn down, weather-beaten.”

“In other words, old; the youthful vigor has left my face, battered away by the harsh years and long struggles. But I do not mind, and do you know why? Because age gives a face character, it tells a story; you’ll find no blank slates here, sir.”

“…When you put it that way, it does sound kind of old.”

18. Interruption

He had sent Vince out of the room hours ago, but the novel still wasn’t coming along. His mind kept drifting from thought to thought, not settling on any one idea long enough to form into anything solid. And he found himself wondering.

What if the black bits in bananas were tarantula eggs?

19. Just the Beginning

Vince had actually been waving to the kid behind him, the girl with the bright purple sequined bow. But when the overly-tall boy waved back, Vince decided to give it a shot, crossing the playground to say hello.

“Hi there, my name’s Vince.”

“Mine’s Howard. Would you like to see my pencil case?”

20. Box of crackerjack

“Huh, wha…no, just no.”

“I was being quiet, I tried not to wake you up.”

“No crackerjack in bed, get out now.”

“But they’re all crunchy and sweet…we can share.”

“…ugh, get over here.”

21. Proud as a peacock

Despite the whole ordeal on Xooberon, he had pocketed a few of the peacock feathers from the tent and saved them. He knew peacock feathers were gonna be back in soon, and he could be a bit ahead of the curve.

He just wouldn’t bring up where he had got them; Howard still had some bad memories of that place. (He’d saved the slave outfit too, but that could be a surprise for later. Once all the sunburns had healed.)

22. Sandpaper eyes

“What happened to these gloves? They’re all gritty and sticky.”

“Oooh, yeah, wouldn’t touch those if I were you. Sandstorm thought it’d be polite to send those back when he got his own pair, and I guess he didn’t think to wash ‘em.”

“…Well, I’m off to bleach my hands, eyes and brain.”

23. Cup of Coffee

Howard glared at the proffered cup.

“Your damn sewing machine keeps me up all night, and you think that a cup of coffee can make it better?”

“I made it how you like it.”

Howard rolled his eyes and took the cup; it was really too early to get mad.

“Besides, this scarf is totally worth it, see.”

24. Drop in the ocean

Vince keeps switching styles, fads, changing to keep up with all of the winds of fashion. But somehow he never blends into any of them. He’s got his own flair that comes through in anything he wears.

And of course, he’s got the best accessory around: his own walking, talking tweed jazz freak. They’ll be all the rage next month.

25. You’ve got a friend

On paper, they don’t make sense. They are the epitome of an odd couple, clashing flavors that shouldn’t really complement each other. They would both probably be better off on their own, hanging out with people more like themselves, people who understand and respect them.

But after all the years together, all the shared adventures, the crimps, the hours in the shop, the near-death experiences, the moments where they only had each other, they have to admit. They couldn’t dream of their lives any other way.


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